REVIEW: WISTERIA BREEZE

I’m kind of mad at you, Smitten Kitten.

Yes, you’re wonderful and sex-positive and provide all sorts of educational materials, but really? The Wisteria Breeze Power Bullet G is a “Staff Favorite”? It’s “one of the best buys in the shop”? Under the “considerations” section of the product page (where they sometimes list the cons of a toy), it says the Wisteria Breeze is a “really practical g-spot toy” and a “win, win, win.” No, no, no.

The Wisteria Breeze is a buzzy mofo

The Wisteria Breeze is a buzzy mofo. Super fucking buzzy. If you’re not familiar with buzzy vs. rumbly vibrations, let me quote Epiphora (since my way of explaining it is confusing and involves comparing buzzy toys to a specific kind of dental drill): “RumblyPurple dumb vibrator vibrations are deep and penetrating, stimulating and glorious; buzzy vibrations will numb you and/or bore you to death.” This distinction becomes clearer the more toys you try. Buzzy vibrations may (sort of) satisfy a beginner to vibrators. But my job as a reviewer is not to tell you “Eh, I guess this might work for a beginner since your genitals may not know any better at this point.” My job is to help my readers have awesome orgasms. Not just orgasms. Awesome orgasms. And this toy does not deliver those awesome orgasms. (And for me, it just delivered two sub-par orgasms, even though I’ve used it seven times.)

The people who “like” the Wisteria Breeze are right in one respect: it IS powerful (especially for a toy that takes two AAA batteries). But that doesn’t mean this power is translated into good vibrations! Instead, it creates shitty surface level vibrations that turn me off and make me want to throw the damn thing across the room.

I enjoyed myself A BIT when I first bought it over a year ago, back when I had an inexperienced clitoris. However, I could NOT use the highest power setting on this toy. Ever. Couldn’t then, can’t now. That’s because the vibrations are too damn numbing, which is actually kind of painful (and by the way, my clitoris is not sensitive!). Unfortunately, most of the time, I’d be using the medium setting (2nd out of 3 settings total) and want more power so I could come, and after pressing the button (this thing is controlled by one button), WHAT THE FUCK THIS ISN’T MORE POWERFUL THIS IS JUST FUCKING BUZZING SHIT THAT’S NUMBING ME GET IT OFF OF ME NOW.

The angle of the bulbous tip would make this perfect for clitoral stimulation if the vibrations were any good. I eventually gave up on its effectiveness as a clitoral stimulator, and tried to use it as a G-spot toy (its intended purpose). The bulbous tip of the Wisteria Breeze is supposed to target my G-spot. It failed. When I inserted it, the vibrations dampened quite a bit and I could hardly feel anything. My theory? Since the vibrations are only surface level, they were absorbed by the vaginal walls, and so could not penetrate enough to reach the internal clitoris, which is actually what you’re stimulating when you’re stimulating the G-spot. (Check this out for more info.) If this thing can’t stimulate my internal clitoris, how is it supposed to give me a G-spot orgasm?

There’s another big problem with this toy that prevents me from getting off: the obnoxious noise it makes. It’s loud, and even worse, HIGH PITCHED. It’s so fucking annoying. (There’s a car alarm going off outside my window right now, and the Wisteria Breeze is even more irritating than that.) I can’t concentrate on my porn or think about fucking my boyfriend or some hot redhead when this annoying piece of shit is buzzing away. Okay, I’ll concede: the first vibration speed isn’t that loud or high-pitched. It doesn’t bother me since its noise level (AND PITCH) is tolerable for a vibrator. However, the second level is annoying and the third level makes me want to throw the damn thing out the window. If I had a Hitachi or some other loud vibrator that was actually good and not high-pitched, I could tolerate it. But the Wisteria Breeze just reminds me of mosquitos and a certain kind of dental drill that is really fucking painful and annoying but I don’t know how to explain it without confusing people so I’ll stop trying. It’s a huge turn off. Also, if you live with other people and/or have thin walls, your roommates/family/neighbors will probably be able to hear this thing, AND the noise can’t pass as an electric razor or any other electrical appliance, because it’s too damn high-pitched. (You might be able to mask the sound in the shower, though.)

My boyfriend suggested I should say something nice about this toy. “What about the material?” he said. “It’s made out of hard plastic, which is body safe, right?” To me, body safe materials are not a pro. They are a necessity. I guess I can find one nice thing to say about this toy. It’s pretty. I like the color. But the purpose of this thing is to vibrate and get me off, not to look nice.

Bottom line: The Wisteria Breeze sucks. Don’t buy it. I think even the manufacturer knows it sucks! They seem to be distancing themselves from it by hardly ever associating their name with this toy. It took me a while to hunt down who actually makes it (BMS Enterprises).

I guess two good things came out of my experience with this damn thing:

1. I can write this review to dissuade others from buying it.

2. I learned an important rule when it comes to sex toy shopping: do NOT base your decision on customer reviews from retailer sites (Amazon included!). They may try the toy once and think OMG IT MADE ME CUM THIS IS SUPPAAAA AMAZING!!! Trying something once does not give you a well-formed opinion on something. Also, just because a toy can give you an orgasm doesn’t mean it’s a good toy. It could be a sucky orgasm. It could be so-so. It’s okay to read these kinds of reviews on retailer sites, but make sure to also read reviews from sex bloggers. We are very methodical with our testing, know that not all orgasms are good, and know what makes a good toy.

So what’s a beginner to do instead of buying this piece of shit? (I don’t care that it’s pretty! It fails at everything besides looking good!) Consult this guide by Kara Sutra on how to choose a sex toy. It provides some great suggestions on how to choose a toy that suits your needs. (And if in doubt, contact some bloggers, explain what you’re looking for, and ask for suggestions! I promise we’re friendly!)

Do you have the Wisteria Breeze? Have you thrown it out the window yet? Let me know in the comments below!

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